Strength in Vulnerability
By Srinidhi Kundur, Choreographer of “Breathin x Mohe Rang Do Laal”
Originally published on Youtube and Bollyshake
The sequence began to emerge well before that cold Saturday afternoon in January when I stepped into my favorite place in New York - a dance studio large enough to create, but small enough to cocoon me in the safety of my own room. Entering the studio that day I didn’t have any doubts. Choreographer’s block, a lack of originality and innovation, insincerity of expression - my usual worries when choreographing - fell away in fear of the tufan of frustration that 2018 had bore. The typical quarter life crisis - dissatisfaction with the much-coveted corporate career, the search for self-purpose, and a little heartache - culminated with a knee injury that prevented me from running a marathon after grueling months of preparation and hard-won battles. It wasn’t until realizing this effort was in vain that the vision became clear. The waves of chaos subsided as Ariana Grande’s ‘Breathin’, the anthem of youth anxiety, gave me license to finally extirpate the knot that had twisted inside me during that year of searching. Coiled from the darkness of experience, the piece uncurled into light, the chill of winter dissipating in the heat of creation.
Ariana’s single from the Sweetener album, ‘Breathin’, soothed me like a cup of afternoon chai, offering a moment of tranquility. The soaring and evocative melody brimmed with the anchorless confusion I was feeling. This unmoored yearning is evident from the start of the dance. The seemingly standard classical sit into Aramandi and hand fold into Anjali Mudra quickly turns from the familiar upright Namaste hand gesture to an upside-down aberration, both an allusion to the Sweetener album cover and a symbol of things gone terribly awry. From this discordant beginning, the choreography becomes lyrical in nature. The dancers whip through a spin and look up letting their hands fall from above their head to their sides as Ariana belts "feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin.” The seeking and confounded lyrics are tempered by the measured and unwavering beat of the song. The repetitive invocation to “breathe” entreats us to remain steadfast. This unfaltering incantation manifests itself in the disciplined and structured form that is so emblematic of Bharatanatyam. The rigidity underscores the diligence, strength, and continuum of the pursuit. These fixed and meticulous steps give way to moments of fluidity as often expressed through Contemporary dance. The bursts of free-flowing and unrestrained motion represent our most vulnerable times when even our most fervent striving may never be good enough to realize our dreams. The yin and yang of rigor and release is reflected in the contrast of the dancers’ pitch black costumes and the bright white backdrop. The accents of red in the mehendi, flowers, and glistening jewelry represent the victories, if sparse and evanescent, that ultimately light up the whole.
When I presented the video concept for this piece to my friends on Ayana Arts I was surprised by how quickly they were on board. I had barely explained the personal importance this held to me and they were already charging forward to make this a reality. As so often happens with family and friends, I was lifted by their support and renewed by their refreshing takes on the ideas at play. Ayana’s resident DJ, Sonal Somaiya, and my Bharatanatyam confidant, Sadhana Subramanian, suggested adding 'Mohe Rang Do Laal' to the mix. ‘Mohe Rang Do Laal’, which literally translates to color me red, could not have been a better fit. The Kathak style dance, as performed by Deepika Padukone in the Bollywood mega-hit Bajirao Mastani, evokes the inner strength of the heroine in the movie, a warrior princess as delicate and resilient as the lotus flower that flourishes in the muddiest of waters. This graceful power embodied the initial inspiration for the piece. A continuation of the lyrical dance as seen in 'Breathin', the dancers twist their wrists, hit their bangles together, and brush their cheeks with embarrassment as the song describes the Radha-Krishna love story. While the lyrics are playful, the tragedy of Bajirao and Mastani's own love story infuses a solemnity that complements the transcendence of 'Breathin'. With a kick of Bollywood flair and a sweep of boundless, Kathak-inspired spins, the clouds of my existential angst were cleared.
Fellow dancer, Reena Jailwala, asked me what my inspiration for the piece was just a few days before our video shoot. I realized that even after many months had passed I still could not articulate the emotional underpinning for this vision. I hope this answers that question. Even more so, I hope the dance takes you through the undulating pain and rapture of the struggle. This mosaic of movement represented all that was most vulnerable in me. The expression of this vulnerability was strength in itself as it acknowledged that there will always be failure and that self-doubt is the only real paralysis. These journeys of courage are the true narratives of our lives and though we may stumble in the darkness, just breathe, as Ariana so poignantly reminds us, to find our way.